Pickup Artist Pt. 1
“I think pickup basketball may be the only part of ‘masculinity’ worth saving” - Fiona
A few weeks ago I was doing a run at Colonel Summers Park in Southeast Portland. It’s not my usual spot but there are still quite a few regulars I notice and give the quiet dude nod to every time I’m down there. I had just lost a game and was sitting on the sidelines watching and waiting my turn with the team that had next. I asked this shirtless guy from my team, a regular at the park, what he thought about the Britney Griner’s sentencing. Suddenly eight guys were all jumping in to chop up the daily chisme, misogyny in sports news, and Russia-Ukraine politics. Ultimately everyone wound up on the side of “damn that’s crazy, could you imagine if James Harden got arrested for a weed cartridge in Russia and became a trade chip for a spy/arms dealer?” The shirtless guy sat quiet for a minute then addressed another park regular, “You know it’s kinda crazy, nobody really talks about politics out here. I mean I spend more time with y’all than my closest friends and family. I don’t know anyone’s last name. Only have a few of your numbers and those contacts are like ‘Ben Basketball’ in my phone. Kinda crazy.” He looked onto the court—someone had just called out the score—9-9, no twos! “Yeah, I like it this way. Some of you have to actually be terrible people.”
I started playing pickup consistently after I got a bullshit office job. Years of being a line cook in an open kitchen and biking around every day as I tried to organize with my co-workers had filled the athletics shaped void in my body well enough. But once I sat around answering the phone, typing up emails/memos/reports/forms, and getting butt zits from sitting all day I knew I needed something. I got a gym membership, started playing again, then COVID hit, and now it’s been basically outdoors only since getting vaxxed.
Now, I’m by no means “good” at basketball. I didn’t play in high school, at 6’1” I play as a 4 or 5 (big guy) in most runs in town, but I do know how to competently dribble and still have some basic athleticism left from high school and college sports. But crappy basketball hobbyists are what actually uplift the game (commercially, recreationally, etc.). Around the world millions of working class people autonomously share public space, collaboratively exercise, and collectively satisfy the lizard brain urge for team based competition. All that’s needed is a park/court, shoes, a ball, some strangers, and a knock off NBA jersey from the Philippines. If it’s nice out people will probably already be at your local park hooping, sometimes even when it’s not nice out people will still hoop at our covered courts… SOMETIMES. The people just know.
This is the start of my list of favorite pickup hoops spots in Portland, Oregon. Maybe in the future I’ll add more about local and global pickup, talk about other places I’ve played, or just other stupid shit I’ve seen playing basketball with friends and strangers. But for now here is THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO PORTLAND AMETOUR BUT STILL REASONABLLY COMPETITIVE HOOPS!
Alberta Park
The court itself is two covered full courts (or 1 larger than NBA sized full court that nobody uses unless playing half court 3on3), so can play in light rain but will be washed out with heavy rain because it’s on a slight slope. It’s one of those orange/brown Nike courts which would be a little nicer than asphalt but a lot of the floor is peeling making slipping a danger in areas. We’ve mitigated this slightly by adding grip tape. The Parks Department once took up the whole court on a Saturday morning for a banquet and we should have taken direct action by storming the mic and demanding they fix our court so people don’t get hurt… Our cowardice should not be forgiven till we win the change.
I play here weekly (at least) with a group of friends in a ballooning GroupMe chat that has grown organically whether it be friends of friends or park regulars who are looking at competitive 5on5 with mostly 20 somethings that were not stars of their high school team (a lot who have only played pickup or college rec). Obviously I am biased because this now feels like a real community I’m part of, like would-invite-them-to-my-birthday-party-next-week friends, but it is generally a physical call your own fouls run. People will set off ball screens, and most are looking to make passes or run out rather than just take turns pulling up. Our group generally aims for 5on5, playing with 1-3 subs on weeks with nice weather versus trying to do “I got next” style team making. Afternoon-early evenings on Mondays there’s a 5on5 run of older dudes who play a slower paced 2s and 3s full court game. Mondays and Wednesdays there’s also a huge group of players that play soccer style with everyone plays/no subs, so 5on5 can become 8on8, that anyone can hop in. They also bring a 30 rack of Modelos and play some sweet Banda music on speakers that’s a real good vibe.
Irving Park
If you are imagining pickup in Portland you are probably imagining Irving Park. Three full court (Nike Orange ones), one of which is covered though typically not utilized when there is rain. It is probably the most potential for “high competition” as local high school players and former high school standouts reliving the “glory days” will play here. There is also a solid committed crew of guys in the summer who come around 5pm literally everyday it isn’t raining. They have been playing together for years, expect you to make open shots, talk tons of shit, and generally are an all around good time. However, there are years long beefs brewing here, so it is also the place you’re most likely to see some childish bs where a pretty good (but not the best) player is stuck talking shit and proceeds to shoot 15 shots in a row to prove a point to someone on the other team. Or for someone to argue a call and end the game early with a fight.
All in all these are maybe the best kept outdoor courts, sometimes a guy will roll through with a truck/SUV and start grilling, other times there will be some organized tournaments, others there will be a guy getting blacked out on a pint of Gin and doing the worst freestyle you’ve ever seen. But because of its popularity and high competition it can get a little crowded, so expect to sit out a few games some days waiting to get picked up, especially if you’re new (or rusty).
With so many courts there is always tons of shit going on, lots of people playing (or waiting to play), and sometimes a dance class taking up one of the courts. One time when I was waiting for a game some guy that was the assistant manager of a FedEx tried to sell everyone there on some Real Estate Seminar obvious Multi-Level Marketing nonsense, and with a consistent 20-40 person crowd it is the perfect captive audience meeting.
Colonel Summers Park
This inner SE court is small but mighty. One compressed full court (4on4 not 5on5) with two little weird half courts on opposite ends making a sort of Z shape. Runs here are a little hit and miss and can get very crowded quickly due to the central location and smaller games. It is a pretty park though and is on the path walked by the beloved Tamale Lady if you wanna take some home for dinner. The games can be a little uneven, sometimes there’s a guy throwing down tomahawk dunks and then a Freshman in high school shooting a chest pass at the basket from three point range. It’s all good fun.
I will say they are really good about everybody plays the order they arrive and if there’s an extra spot you’re shooting threes to fill it, nobody is sneaking by to play an extra game after a loss because they’re a local personality with pickup clout (arguably more important than twitter clout at some courts). This does mean that sometimes there is lag between games if everyone starts bricking threes to get on the court, but I say it’s a trade off that’s worth it when the other option is dudes fighting for 10 minutes about “who’s on.”
Vernon Elementary School
Crooked rim and backboard? (check) Facing directly into the sun at sunset? (check) People playing volleyball that comes flying at you mid jump shot? (also check) However this single rim has a special place in my heart. The colorful fake country flags seemingly made by children long since grown, the way the sun reflects off the blacktop and seems to wrap everyone in a beautiful golden glow as they hoop. The random new guy with the dreads and guillotine tattoo who HYPES up our team while we play no matter how many bricks and banked in threes go in. The one time we had 20 people and had to do a half court 5on5 tournament during the one 80 degree Spring day. Vernon is just wonderful whenever the Airbuds Group Chat (my basketball buds) needs to spill over because some random casuals have filled up where we usually play 5s at Alberta Park. And the single rim is nice too.