Five Betting, Financial, and Legal Tips from a Guy Banned from Sportsbooks
Make the House Your Home And You Always Win :]
When sports betting was legalized in Oregon through the state lottery I wanted to be an early adopter. I had just come back from Vegas, up HUGE1 betting on the Oregon Ducks not to cover in early season men’s basketball. However, after several months long attempts I had come to find out I was banned from the Oregon sportsbooks. That’s right. Draftkings doesn’t want this smoke. Perhaps they are afraid my superior mind has unlocked the matrix—able to see all the 1s and 0s, to add and subtract the pluses and the minuses, to set “the odds” all in my favor. Maybe it is because my driver’s license and passport say two different addresses that I no longer live at and they have now way to verify my residency. Who is to say? The only thing that is obvious, dear reader, is if I were not banned from placing bets, chances are I would be a millionaire.
Now, I know you are a betting man/woman/Enby. You’re ready to take a risk. To live life on the wild side. Which is why you are ready for FIVE 100% surefire foolproof betting, financial, and legal tips from a guy Draftkings told, “we can’t take your money, you are simply too much of a threat.”2 But please keep in mind that these tips and strategies are not exclusive to online sportsbooks. If you implement them in your life you can make The House your Home and always win.
1. Bet more money on winners, less money on losers
It might seem deceptively simple, but if you only took this advice you could dramatically increase your winnings tomorrow. Let’s face it. Every gambler has had the thought after they won, “what if I doubled, or even tripled the wager?!” Well my friend, you would have been paid out A LOT more. The same goes for those losing bets. Now I don’t recommend that you lose, EVER. However, sometimes when you let your mind drift and you start thinking about other things: your family (ugh!), your friends (if you still have them), your partner (obviously you don’t have this), sex (lol), the next colorful caffeine concoction the Rebels™ at DutchBros have invented (yum!). Don’t worry. This happens to us all. You lose a few bets here and there—just bet less!
2. Free your mind, don’t sit idly by: keep grinding, keep gambling, keep growing
It’s not enough to just gamble in your free time. You need to study the greats, the gambling influencers, those who have perfected the art of pulling the lever. People like Vegas Matt have countless helpful videos of him putting hard earned dollars into machines and showing us the results. Others take days off, but there is no retreat from the grind. And gambling is so much more than just “placing bets” it means honing your art.
People bring up “problems” with the “infinite scroll,” likening it to the “webs slot machine.” Even its inventor, Aza Raskin, pretends he’s Openheimer with his regret for this invention that “fuels addiction.” It’s not that deep Aza. Oppenheimer had to contend with making a machine that only satisfies our death drive and brings with it genocide. A slot machine on the other hand is just a tool with a bad rap. Yes, the bright lights and occasional payouts may seem like it was made for children and old people to get into a trance of depositing their money into an ATM connected to a toilet instead of a bank, but that is because these people don’t have the right mindset. Turn your mindset to a grindset: study, gamble, hone your mind’s blade. If you don’t have access to a casino or 2am online book for some Korean sport you’ve never heard of, you still need to KEEP GRINDING. That means watching TikTok, Instagram Live, Youtube Shorts, the guy playing video poker in that weird little room in the bar.
3. The Fallout New Vegas hack
About halfway through the 2010 classic PS3/Xbox 360 post-post-apocalyptic RPG game your character gets to the settlement of Freeside3 which unlocks a few new gameplay options: the ability to have sex with a robot sex worker AND the in-game casino. Whether it’s Blackjack, Roulette, or the Slot Machines there is essentially an unlimited money hack that you need to utilize in your daily gambling habits. Right before you initiate the dialogue options that begin the gambling mini-game you need to save your progress. Then when you start gambling you place large bottle cap bets,4 so if you win a bit you exit the mini game and quickly save your progress again. But if you lose a big bet, all you have to do is load back to the previous save point and the bottle caps5 will be back in your possession!
4. Your network is your net worth
When my dad got remarried to my stepmom they went to Vegas to have the wedding officiated by an Elvis impersonator while they wore lederhosen costumes available at the roadside chapel. It was a last minute weekend trip 10 years ago (!!)6 with just some close friends, my uncles Chili and Kookoo, and my aunt Pika. Though I was invited to a UCLA sports group chat with my uncles7 where they make jokes about having small dicks, post reaction GIFs to Trump going to court, and their betting tickets; I wasn’t invited to the wedding. So I heard this story from my step-mom Deb. They invited Chili to drive out to the wedding with them. He let them know not to worry about booking a hotel room because whenever he goes to Vegas the Rio “rolls out the red carpet and comps me a room.” Deb was impressed, “wow that’s so cool!,” she said. To which my uncle let her know, “It’s not that cool, I’ve more than made up for that free room there.” You want to have people in your circle that are getting free things; you only stand to benefit from this. Free room here, free drink when you’re at the blackjack table there. This, that, the other. You want people who remind you, “if you are in line to gamble again STAY IN LINE!” The cocktail waitress will come back around and you will get another double whiskey-coke on the House.
5. If you lose on a 5 part parlay cause the last one doesn’t hit, do a 4 part parlay instead
I don’t know how many times I’ve checked Da Boyz Signal Chat and one of my friends has posted a five part parlay, four have hit and they’re just waiting on that last one that ultimately falls just short because Denmark only hit the crossbar twice during their final World Cup match. Sometimes your wacky foresight into the daily vibes only goes so far. But there is hope, my young future millionaire comrade! Why not just make it a four part parlay and leave out that last one that didn’t win? So if you’re wondering who’s gonna win the tip off in the Suns game? Which backup tight end is going to score the first touchdown? Will Bryce Harper get an extra base hit? Why Matt Breida isn’t able to rush for 25 yards against the freakin’ Cardinals?! Just drop that part of the parlay that doesn’t hit.
Thank you for reading and happy gambling! This is by no means an exhaustive list, so please send me your ideas and strategies that have worked for you. Please DO NOT send me any strategies that don’t work like counting cards or nerd shit like that. If you are afraid to post them publicly you can send me a message or email and we can discuss in private. Someone ought to take DraftKings™ free money if I can’t!!!
Won $50.
Not an actual quote.
Based on the real Old Las Vegas casinos off the strip on Fremont Street.
In the real world we would place bets with money or chips as they call them in casinos.
Again, bottle caps = dollars.
Congrats Dave and Deb!
Shout out Tios Chat!