The Sunk Cost of a Mediocre Therapist
M (28) Looking to Break Up with His Therapist This Valentine’s Day
What’s the etiquette on this? We’ve been together for almost nine months1 and things have remained fairly casual. Every other week we get together based on our busy schedules—she’s in school after all. She asks how I’ve been eating, sleeping, if I’ve had “crying spells,” if I’ve thought about killing myself. I say fine, mostly okay, no, no. I remark that she has a new zoom background of a beachfront with a little sand castle, a lounge chair, a palm tree, and some waves in the distance—then I wonder if she wishes she were on vacation instead of here with me. Listening to me talk about my relationship with my parents, my exes, my current girlfriend, or my brother is met with the occasional It’s a living shrug. The answer is obvious,2 so then I wonder why I even care about that.
Simply put it’s never really been good, per say, but when I was really in the trenches of depression and heartbreak it was nice to have the routine. Even the checklist was a nice subtle reminder to audibly confirm to myself that I don’t want to die. But really, we just never clicked.
There’s that classic modern therapy Cognitive Behavioral Therapy type problem I run into where a therapist is overly affirming of my own narrative, quick to dispel any self-doubtful thoughts, and seemingly trying to convince me I’m a good person. I feel like she won't ever challenge my decision making. That if I’m my own worst critic it means they can’t be a voice perceived as criticism. While this can be nice, and perhaps is understandable at trying to build at someone’s self-confidence, the affirmations start feeling formulaic. They seem forced or unearned, like they can be applied to anyone. Then there’s the moments she does offer push back and it feels like maybe she wasn’t fully listening. Perhaps I had been rambling on for so long my thoughts didn’t really make sense.
At the same time. I think there is a specific type of tediousness that comes with seeking a NEW therapist. They have to explain this and that about their method, which you know is just CBT but they’re going to try and convince you otherwise. They don’t know you at all so you have to start with basic problems you’ve talked about a hundred times before to get to a baseline of “this is why I am this way,” then you’re ten sessions in and you realize this person is annoying ah hell. Maybe they tell you a weird detail about their personal life like saying “my partners” (plural) and now you're fixated on wondering if your therapist is poly? Maybe you mention how you tried being poly with your ex and you find out they are weirdly religious and say you are “broken” for even trying to do such a thing. Perhaps they recommend a book, something cool like House of Leaves or something deeply concerning like When People Are Big and God is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man. Maybe they come to a session wearing checkerboard ska vans. All is to say there is now way this works out but it still feels too late to start again. All that time together will feel lost, money thrown down a drain leading to an insurance company’s pockets. Yada, yada, yada…
In my neighborhood these mysterious billboards went up just before Christmas. I thought I’d give this hotline a call since they seem like they offer advice. Too bad it was just some smooth jazz muzak, then a voice message box. No call back yet.
So dear reader, truthfully, what’s the protocol on this? I know the best time to end a bad relationship is yesterday and the second best time is today.3 But do I send a text message? Leave a voicemail? If it is writing an email or letter do I sign it “sincerely” or “best” or “with love”? Or is this a go to your next session and let her know in person type thing? And if it’s that, do I wait for the end or do I say it at the beginning and go through the whole process of talking about why and what’s next for us? Do I invite her for pizza? Does doing it on Valentine’s Day really send a weird message like I was romantically attracted to her when I wasn’t? In fact most importantly what will she think? What does she really think about me? Now this may feel like an annoying, millennial “aDuLtInG” style reddit post, and you’re not totally wrong. But also if I knew the answer to any of these questions and/or how to be less annoying I probably wouldn’t need the therapy anymore anyways. Please send help (!!!).
I originally wrote five months, then six, then seven, before realizing how long this has been going on.
This is her job. She is paid to be here of course you’d rather be on vacation than at your job.
Sunk Cost Fallacy be damned.
Lovely writing, Cam.
having broken up with a few therapists, i feel like scheduling a “final visit” and following through has worked well for me.
the last time I did it, it was actually refreshing. my therapist was honest about her limitations, my needs, and how I needed somebody else that specialized more in somatic therapy.