I did not know what Soho House was until my friend told me it was coming to Portland. Essentially it is a rich people's gym and restaurant combo that is marketing more towards young professionals who work at Nike instead of the more geriatric old timber/real estate wealth that goes to the Multnomah Athletic Club. While they started in England, they are all in trendy cities all over the country, and now they are slated to open up shop in Portland this month. Their model seemingly is, offer free memberships to hot people in their 20s and 30s so that boring and ugly people with disposable income in their 30s and 40s can pay a premium to fuck their way to being cool again. Plus they will have a rooftop pool to do it in. Membership even grants the ability to do so in their other clubhouses around the world. So no matter where you go on vacation you have access to Peter Thiel’s young people's blood transfusions!1
Last May when Soho House Portland was first announced, Brooke Jackson-Glidden from PDX Eater wrote a great piece on the Portland food blog asking in a city where every restaurant and cafe is informal, “who is this really for?” Since then, Soho House has answered—some five generic Portland Creatives with vague messages about innovation and nods at making a more welcoming “new” look to our city that has developed a bad rep in recent years as the city that doesn’t want to work anymore, is on fire, put fentanyl in the tap water instead of fluoride, etc.
“There is a trending conversation happening in our culture regarding a “third place”: essentially having somewhere to go that isn’t home or work, where one can come to exchange ideas, build relationships and have a good time. I’m really looking forward to Soho House being this place for me.” says Portland Soho House member Lena Vasilenko Tsymbal.
For me, “Third Places” are one of those city planning/design terms that have been so abstracted by TikTok urbanists that live in the suburbs that it really doesn’t matter anymore.2 Everyone with a front-facing camera and a Wikipedia page opened up on another device like waxing poetic about how important places outside of “home” and “work” are. Obviously that is true, and this is not to downplay the destitute shittiness of auto-oriented suburbs in the United States and Canada. But in Portland, OR? The central city? You can throw a rock and you’d hit a park, a coffee shop, or a cheap bar. All “Third Places,” that don’t cost $5k a year to go to. But if you use a term like Third Place it might make it seem like this isn’t the next WeWork.
More importantly for gossip purposes though, the first five aren’t exactly Capital-C Celebrities. Portland has rich people, but not like REAL Rich People (New York/LA/Cities with Oil Money), it’s mostly marketing and tech people who are a tiny shift in the economy away from being laid off. Nobody I know has ever heard of these guys,3 which inspired myself and some friends to ask the question: who are Portland’s celebrities? So don’t worry Soho House we have answers for you!
Balloon Guy
Imagine the pool floaties this guy brings to the rooftop pool party?! I saw him outside my work once making a message so uplifting yet at the same time evocative enough to solicit horny DMs from the spouses of the US Military. The way this guy can be a total freak and make your bed rock but also give you the tender style loving you can take home to meet mom and dad. The exact type of Jeffery Dahmer glasses wearing mf that will have you swooning and gooning.
Blazers Twitter Chefs
Okay. This one might be a tough sell. On the one hand, Soho needs celebrity chefs and who better than some local-boys-done-good that make popular hyper local memes and root for our terrible basketball team? But on the other hand will being too political,4 too horny,5 and too back of house, put these basketball boys on the opposite side of the endless war with Front of House coded Brits that run Soho. Now it might be socially uncouth for nominally on the left Blazers Twitter to publicity stan for this, but then again sucking and fucking in a rooftop pool? Who says no? However, does even associating with the Blazers leave a nostalgic-yet-sour taste in the mouths of management because…
The Owner of Damian Lillard Toyota
Less than a year ago this seemed like a no-brainer. We can forgive that he never committed to playing defense, because he was ready to jump on the offensive whenever a Bamboo sushi server didn’t let him cut in the wait line because she didn’t watch or care about basketball.6 The guy was Portland’s only true blue actual celebrity. But Daddy Dame went out for a pack of cigarettes,7 even after he “promised to play catch with you squirt.” Now he lives in Wisconsin, his one friend that moved there with him left a month after the move, and he is Divorced. He’s publicly talking about being bored, playing Baldur's Gate, watching Youtube videos, and just generally sulking. Maybe Soho House is enough to convince him to come back?8 Yes, our rooftop pool might not look as nice as the ones in Miami, but we have sushi! Please love me.
PDX Real
PDX Real quickly became the voice of populist hatred of homeless people, sex workers, da libs, and really anybody that isn’t actively in their car or house. While PDX Real might have very public beef with a certain Blazers Twitter Chef that is getting an invite above, what better way is there to break bread and heal wounds with the reactionary power couple than Aperol Spritz in a jacuzzi? You might then be asking, “didn’t the PDX Real guy get outed as being convicted of purchasing sex so his wife made really funny weepy instagram posts about his infidelity and (alleged) sex crimes?” And yes, all press is good press.
Gen Alpha Kids with Fake IDs that go to Jackie’s
Soho House has a under 27 membership tier at a discount in hopes to inspire a younger, more likely to be cash strapped, but also more impressionable crowd to be molded in their image9 while giving them the youthful dose of “anti-cheugy” energy. There is some natural synergy to be had. Jackie’s has a rooftop deck with a Giant TV pointed at the street for some reason, Soho House is next door and close enough that their rooftop deck can actually see said TV. Maybe if the owners strike up some sort of deal, Jackie’s can attract some clientele that are of the legal drinking age and Soho House members can get lessons in what “bussin” means.
Penis Girl
Truly a legend. Portland’s greatest and most prolific artist. Our generation’s Banksy, except actually cool. Unfortunately ever since Willamette Week ran their call to have all graffiti artists tarred and feathered in Pioneer Square, Penis Girl has been on the lamb. The artist we need and don’t deserve.
Corbin A. Smith (Rolling Stone, Daily Beast, Vice Sports, I can go on)
Big Corbs needs this. Despite having two successful podcasts and bringing the prestige of his unique fly on the wall perspectives being published in local and national publications alike, Corbs also claims to be in the “Cunnilingus Hall of Fame.” And while articles with headlines like “Tom Brady’s New England Patriots Are Team MAGA, Whether They Like It or Not” have drawn the ire of the City of Boston,10 Soho House is British owned so they hate the Patriots for their connection to the Boston Tea Party and Redcoat Massacres anyways. Picture this, Corbs is wearing water wings, leggings under his bathing suit, asking members that look a little bored if they want to go in on a game of Marco Polo, pulling the classic throwing a candy bar into the deep end, yelling out “CANNON BALL!” The guy is simply a riot. And come on, he NEEDS THIS!
Errr, I mean have normal sex.
See also “15 minute cities” or “why you liked living on your college campus”
Just when you thought Portland was small amirite?
For example: banning the Mayor from their restaurant for brutalizing anti-racist protesters.
Blazers polycule *eyes emoji*
Get ready to learn cheese curds buddy.
Becoming a divorced guy gamer in Milwaukee (and not OUR Milwaukie).
Dad always comes back for Christmas with the best presents.
More likely to give blood.
At least Massholes and Barstool Sports.